Today I gave my department seminar presentation; the annual 20-minute research update in front of over 90 attendees. It went well, with engaging questions, few word stumbles, and a certain ebb and flow, as if I were having a casual conversation with some peers. It left me reminiscing on how my seminar went just one year prior.
Last year, I had written a script for my talk and read it aloud without glancing up at the audience. I had been so nervous and afraid I wouldn't appear educated on my research topic. That I would fumble and everyone would know just how much of a fraud I was. It's a common experience, the demonized ~imposter syndrome~ that wreaks havoc on many people. Studies have reported that 70% of the general public have felt the imposter syndrome, with the number increasing within higher education. With increased competition to "publish or perish", overly self-critical perfectionists find themselves stuck feeling like they don't measure up to their position. It can be hard to feel validated in an environment that minimizes successes but hammers failures.
I have been super fortunate to find myself in a lab that is supportive and patient, understanding that I am human and have other things to deal with on top of the never-ending research. Throughout this past year, I have taken large leaps a n only as a researcher but more importantly as a growing mid-twenties woman in STEM. I have learned to be confident in my project, after all, it is MINE. I have learned to pursue things that truly interest me, even if they sometimes take time away from the lab. I have learned to take ownership of my work and feel accomplished where I am in my Ph.D. journey. Have I written a manuscript? No, but that's okay! Life has been chaotic and filled with constant adjustments. I bet nearly everyone that is pursuing a degree feels behind given the current state of the world.
We should all give ourselves more grace and take pride in where we are now.